Whole-Heartedly

Forget your sleeve, any of you wear your heart smack dab on your shirt, front and center? Yes? Well, you're in good company here. In honor of good old St. Valentine, we have decided to talk about something near and dear to most of us - our hearts. 


 

From the dawn of October 15 1990, I have been a softy, some things never change. It is one of my greatest strengths, offering empathy, love, patience, loyalty, the list goes on.  Ironically, this virtue is what also makes me and people like me, vulnerable. With what can feel like sometimes heightened susceptibility to emotional wounds. Thankfully, it has long since come to my attention how to embrace that quality, be proud of it. Allow it to help me possess a feeling for beauty and find courage to take risks and live my life with intention and fully. This doesn't mean there haven't been hardships or that there won't be. But I'm telling you, learning how to envelop that soft heart of yours, set free those unbridled passions, and simultaneously, learn how to guard your heart when it matters, will make a world of difference.

Delicate. Emotional. Sensitive. Soft. Words people throw around to describe someone who feels more, reacts more, expresses more. I know in my life, I've certainly heard a few of those. Mostly in a positive context but I know, especially when I was younger, I was put on the chopping block for some of those words. Truthfully, I used to be embarrassed by my sensitivity. Embarrassed by my stupidly ridiculous, almost innate ability, to cry when any emotion became too intense, whether it be happiness, sadness, you name it. Embarrassed by what allowed me to empathize and sympathize with people, what allowed me to love harder and faster than most, and generally what made me a decent human being. It wasn't until I was in college, that I realized this is what made me the very person I felt proud of. The person that allowed me to forgive and forget when there was no apology (recent life lesson: forgetting is the best revenge, my friends). It was also the person who allowed me to find beauty in the world and in people and love others wholly, uncomplicated, and sincerely. 

For me, what was very helpful in having this generously large heart on my sleeve, was learning how to protect it and maybe even more importantly, how I reacted to things. Firstly, one hard lesson I have had to learn is just because I'm offended doesn't mean I'm right. One of the drawbacks to being more sensitive is that you can be hurt easily. Part of growing up, at least for me, was getting thicker skin and understanding when I truly had the right to feel offended. As I'm sure you well know, the truth is, people think differently, act differently, believe differently, and therefore set different expectations for themselves. Sometimes these expectations are the root of a lot of indifferences, simply because you might expect more from people because you would be willing to do that much. What I have to remind myself, even now sometimes is, "act without expectation". Three simple words from the philosopher Lao Tzu and yet, so commanding and paramount. Realizing this and actively letting it affect my reactions and also reminding myself, that most things aren't personal, greatly helps lessen the amount of times I'm compelled to feel offended (whether that's with sadness or anger). Being able to enact and practice this, will help you go along way in enjoying the parts of your heart that make you so loving and soft. Some days this is a challenge and some days a breeze but trust me, it's a beautiful habit to form. And if it all goes to hell one day and your heart aches, go back to the basics and just try and be kinder than you feel. You're not going to be perfect because you're perfectly human. Most importantly, be gentle with yourself, chances are, you're doing the best you can. We are all in the same boat, figuring ourselves out and trying to navigate this life as best as we can.

So *give a damn* is the lesson here. Give all the damns. You'll be better for it. If your heart is sitting on your sleeve, be proud it it. Don't roll up your sleeve, show it off! Okay, are you loving this metaphor, it's larger than life. Side note: I'm all over metaphors and puns, the literary game is strong with this one. But I digress, go with your heart-laden sleeves and grab life by the horns! Go at life full throttle; love life and let it love you right back.

OK people, let me just paint this picture for you – my nickname in kindergarten was “cry baby”. Cool. Now that you know me, lets jump in.

I am a huge sap. I have been all my life. Labeled with words that you are taught are “bad” from a very young age, like sensitive and emotional. It used to bum me out that I was poked fun of because – yes, I cried (probably excessively) in kindergarten, and that stuck with me through high school [I went to the same school from kindergarten to grade 12], so perfect. Because these were such "negative" words to me growing up, I was embarrassed of my sensitivity. Why was I less than other people just because more water came out of my eyes?? When other people had their feelings hurt (whether I was a participant or a bystander), subsequently my feelings were hurt. But how could this be a bad thing?

Well, it turns out, it wasn't all that bad - at least not for the reasons I thought it was. Being empathetic and sensitive actually was great. It actually made me a softer, more understanding human. But, where it really turned around and bit me in the ass, for quite a long time, was in the area of wearing my sensitive heart on my sleeve, for other people to do with it what they please. It has taken me many, many years to wrangle this mess to a manageable place (and lets be honest, I am still working on certain aspects of this). My biggest mess was (and is) with my expectations of others. Why, if I can put myself in others' shoes and feel their pain and do umteen things for them, would they not do the same for me in return??? This one is still tough for me to understand sometimes. But over the years, I have really started to understand that I am creating my own heartbreaks through expectations. Boom. Epiphany. Why did I do this to myself? Learning to not expect anything (which sounds cynical, but really it isn't intended to be at all) was the biggest relief of my life. Doing to do, not to potentially receive back. Giving and caring and loving and helping to do just that - and if I get nothing in return, not even a "thank you", so be it. I do those things because it is good, and it is kind, and it is right. The subsequent response is not personal; it is simply the receiving person being who they are - and that's okay too. Stop being so sensitive, Mallory. 

The older I have gotten, the more I appreciate my sensitivity – that word that was so toxic to my youth - it has made me more kind, patient, understanding, and overall a better person. I have an incredible appreciation for my ability to empathize and sympathize with everyone, in just about every situation. Wearing my heart on my sleeve has been (although a curse - I thought - in my childhood) such a blessing; it has allowed me to experience so many things, love SO many people, and has really given me a sense of self awareness that is so monumental to who I am as a human being that it makes me genuinely sad (I know, I know) to think that there are people out there who do not experience these things. 

I mean really, I get sad when bugs are killed, ok?! That’s just me. Im a huge sap with an overwhelming appreciation for life of all shapes and sizes, and damnit, I am proud of it.