10 Things To Know About Emotionally Abusive Relationships

 

According to HealthyPlace.com, emotional abuse is "any act including confinement, isolation, verbal assault, humiliation, intimidation, or any other treatment which may diminish the sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth." It is one-in-the-same with psychological abuse, and is much more common than people realize. And although you might instantly assume that an emotionally abusive relationship has to be with a spouse, that is far from the case; these relationships can be with a spouse, a family member or group of family members, or even a friend. 

Of course, my personal demons in this post are not relating to my wonderful husband - actually quite the opposite. Travis has been a cornerstone for me to actually take steps to get rid of an emotionally abusive relationship I have been in for most of my life. 

Maybe you are right there with me, ready to rid yourself of toxicity, or you're thick in an abusive relationship and are just starting to do research, or maybe you haven't even been able to identify that what you're experience is real abuse. Either way, I wanted to share some of my knowledge I have acquired from my own personal research and experience. I have put together a list of 10 things I think are important to know if you're in an emotionally abusive relationship (or just to know if you have a curious mind). 

1. Know the signs

There are many, many signs to pay attention to, and even just a quick Google can give you a great starting point if you are trying to figure out how to "label" the relationship you're in as abusive. Some of those signs are:

Name calling / insulting / mocking

Threats and intimidation tactics

Isolation

Denial of abuse & playing victim themselves 

Guilt tripping

Humiliation

Dominant behaviors (like forbidding contact to your family)

Jealous behaviors 

Stonewalling - making you feel alone, isolated, and unimportant, and making you doubt your own sanity

It is very important to recognize these and understand that it is a reflection of the abuser, not you. They use these to control you and make you more dependent on them. 

Many times, abusers will take to using their charm and sometimes status to slander you to family, friends, anyone with an open ear. This can be extremely difficult especially if the people they slander you to are people you care about. I wish there was good advice I could give to this point, but unfortunately this part just sucks all around. What I remind myself is the people who truly know me know that what they say are lies and I can take some comfort in that. If you follow our blog, you know my love for quotes; one that I constantly mantra to myself is "what Susie says about Sally says more about Susie then it says about Sally." Just remember that even if you don't think people see it, many do. What your abuser says about you is more reflective of them than it is of you, and you just have to hold onto that hope that your loved ones being influenced by the abusers see it this way. 

2. You are not submissive, even if they try to make you think so. 

Abusers will do everything in their power to make you feel submissive to them. Remember, you have just as much value as a human on this earth as they do. You have value, you have worth, you have feelings, you have rights, and you do not deserve the abuse no matter how small they make you feel. 

3. Recognize the potential physical health risks. 

Aside from the obvious mental trauma an emotionally abusive relationship can bring, other serious health issues can arise from remaining in these relationships. 

Depression

Anxiety

Sleep disturbance

Suicidal ideation

Substance abuse

Stress-related conditions, such as onset of autoimmune disease or heart condition

Stockholm Syndrome in serious cases

PTSD

It is important to take the proper steps to distance yourself from toxicity before any of these become a threat to your personal health. As hard as it might be, you really need to look out for yourself first. Around the peak of my anxiety before I decided enough was enough, I started noticing serious heart palpitations that came after an emotional trigger from my abusers. That was a HUGE wake up call to me, seeing as this was right after my mom passed away and she had stress-related heart issues. It was at that time I really, truly realized that I had to look out for my own safety. Even though the abuse I was experiencing was not physical, it had a very serious physical effects on my body. 

4. You cannot change them. 

Trying to make your abuser understand you or your point of view is not your responsibility.  And if you are anything like me, you have likely tried many times with no result. The hardest part is understanding that it is not you who fails to communicate properly, it is them who fails to hear you. 

5. Don't fight back. 

Abusers are master manipulators. They can push all of your buttons in all of the right ways to provoke you into retaliation, and then quickly blame you for everything. Of course, I know this is much easier said than done, but just try to remember that it is a trap whether subconscious or not, and it may be you in the end that suffers the consequences. Always take the high road, which is usually the hard road. 

6. Don't be afraid to reach out for help. 

Surround yourself with people who truly love you. Whether it be family or friends or coworkers, being around people who know you, really know you, love you, support you, and better you can provide a perfect support foundation for you. Not only is it good to have positive people in your life who are willing to listen, but also it is paramount for you to understand that not everybody shares the opinion of your abuser, because sometimes that is very easily forgotten. 

Professional help is nothing to be ashamed of either. Unfortunately, there is a negative stigma that surrounds seeking professional help, but I am here to tell you to throw that stigma out the window. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of in seeking help. These psychologists and psychiatrists are so equipped to give you tools you need to take the next step in the right direction, and having an unbiased ear who knows no parties in this relationship can really dissolve those walls you have built up and allow you to open up even more. And if you are ready for that, don't be overwhelmed with the task of finding the right person. Do some searches in your area, read reviews, email counselors to see if they are equipped to help you with your particular situation. Eventually, you will find the person that just fits. 

7. Know your limits and when you need to leave. 

Set boundaries for yourself: What are you not willing to put up with? What is crossing the line? It is important to have those boundaries so you can say when enough is enough. 

The death of my mom was my biggest turning point in discovering what I was willing to put up with. Rather than surrounding me with love and supporting me, my abusers cut me down and victimized themselves. At a time where I could not be any lower, they proved me wrong. They isolated me even more and they attempted to further slander me and even my mother. It was then that I realized I needed to channel my mom's strength and pump the brakes. How much of this abuse was I willing to put up with from people who are supposed to support me? I finally mustered up the strength to cut out the toxicity, and thanks to the support of my incredible husband and my network of family and friends, I did it. 

8. Take care of yourself. 

Don't allow yourself to cling to the relationship because of guilt or brainwashing that you would be wrong to leave. Don't stay in the relationship because you are scared to go. Remind yourself of all the pain and suffering that your abuser has made you endure and that the toxicity is bad for you. It may be hard to imagine your life without this relationship, and it may really shift the dynamic of your life at first, but remember that you deserve respect. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved. 

9. Remember you are not alone. 

Unfortunately, emotional abuse is more common than people realize. Like I said before, many don't think about the fact that an emotionally abusive relationship does not have to be a spouse/partner. You can be abused in so many ways by so many people. And I think if it is not a spouse, it may be harder for the victim to except what really is. But regardless of what stage you are in, you should always, always remember that you are not alone. There are so many people in this world who understand you, and that gives me comfort. 

One way I like to remind myself that I am not alone in this is through music. Music is so monumental to me anyways, but I am so touched by songs whose lyrics speak to me in this. It gives me an emotional release to feel my feelings in someone else's words, and it gives me the confidence I often forget I have in physically hearing someone else relate to me in such a real way. 

10. And finally, and most importantly, there are no rules to this. 

Do not let anyone tell you what is right for you. Only you can answer to that. There is no "right" way to handle the abuse, and there is no shame in following your own path to free yourself. If you make the decision to cut off all contact, that is okay. If you try to leave and fall back in, that is okay. If you take baby steps to free yourself, that is okay. Only you know what is right for you, and there is no shame in finding your own way as long as you're looking out for your own safety. Don't let anyone make you feel like your path is wrong, because they can't fix it for you. 

When you do decide to take that leap toward freedom, know that there will be a roller coaster of emotions you will experience, and that is all totally normal. You will feel free, you will feel confused, you will feel guilt, you will mourn the loss of the relationship, you will feel empowered, but eventually you will feel like yourself again, and that is worth the ride. You will find yourself self-worth again and that is so beautiful. And maybe you will even be inclined to reach out on some platform to try to help others, like I am doing today!

Stay strong, pals. You are beautiful. You are strong. You are important. I love you, truly. 

xoxo, Mallory

If you or someone you know is fighting these demons and needs immediate assistance, call the numbers below:

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233) 

ChildHelp National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)